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26.4.09

I wonder whether it's all my fault and whether I'm deserving of such detestable attitude from my maid.
God, I know I've hurt her in Secondary One but I'm very sure all that has changed.
To the extent that she gets to hurt me back, to mock me, to threaten me and only to find myself crying alone in the toilet or The Sanctuary, with absolutely no justice done to my name.
Me hurting her during that year could never patch up that hole- that raw, sore hole I tore open with my voice and intimidation.
I hate myself for that, God.
I pray You forgive me for what I did then.
But please, it's been three years and more and God, I've changed so, so much and you know that.
Why does she still hold this unforgiveness closely to her heart?
Why does she pour her anger and raging moods on me when all I asked for was a little help?
Why does she not appreciate the times when she could sit with me, laughing in front of the TV, when I offered her chocolate out of the goodness of my heart..
And all I get are glaring eyes and sometimes, I have smiles but somehow her selfishness and arrogance drives me up the wall.
I can't shout at her because I'd be blowing another matter up.
I can't do anything.
I'm so helpless.
She only offers help to her rightful employers who pay her salaries.
How about the child of her employer, who needed a little help?
Just clearing books instead of asking her to move heavy flower pots?
What did I do to deserve her attitude, God.
Am I still to be punished for what I did?
Why is a vengeful heart so hard to soften.
Only You can do that, and only in You I trust.
I feel so helpless and desperate and plain hurt right now.
I can't believe I'm allowing these tears to escape.
Just because of a maid with mood swings.
My head is being stepped upon.
God. Do something. Make.it.stop.

Then Z says to me:

(I) You can find me on the Front porch swinging by a Satellite says:
ling maybe ur family's sleeping and I am offline but God doesn't get sleepy and He doesn't sleep and He's always online with you

And I know, God, You walk with me through the fire and the flames will not set me ablaze.