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This morning while having a tummy ache, I realised how peaceful my parents' bathroom really is.It's close to nature and the platform for the shower room is a cool, gray marble which pampers the soles of your tired feet.
And gosh, I love The Transition by Hawthorne Heights.
"Shine on, shine on, shine on diamond eyes*
I feel that God is slowly training me to love, to notice small details around me.
Now He's just letting me love myself, to buy nice clothes, to understand what fits me.
It's a revelation that I can gain from an example that's so simple yet with an impactive meaning:
Certain clothes fit me.
But God will always fit me.
It's as if He wants me to try .. loving the sin I'm struggling with.
It's just me trying, but it's a rut I can't fall into; it's too deep.
He wants me to know that I can love Satan's lies for awhile, but He's the only one for me at the end of the day.
It's like experience but the hard way, God is like a Daddy to me, or Atticus from To Kill A Mockingbird, who isn't afraid of letting what people/the world say hurt Scout.
I SHOULD get hurt, that's how I learn to know what's good at the end of the day.
To understand the worth of His crucifixion better.
Johnna and I were watching Rumor Has It on HBO, starring Jennifer Aniston.
And her father told her,
"Your mother knew that being with him was an adventure of her lifetime, but she came back because she loved me. She knew she could build a life with me."
Loving Satan and worldly sin can bring me on an adventure that I will never forget, but in the end, the only one I'm gonna build my life with is with Jesus, the only one who will wash up scars for life is Jesus, the only one who guarantees and promises me forever is Jesus.
It's sort of telling me it's a test.
And it's a prayer answered when I asked God the other day, to "teach me how to love".
Once I love myself, I'll never hate my life or my body as much anymore.
And then I can see the beauty in other people too.
But never will I see anymore beauty in you.
So after church I went out with Cara because everyone disappeared.
We went to town and hit Topshop first.
There's this blue, polka dotted sundress that I fell in love with.
The price is pretty steep, but I'm still gonna get it tomorrow after school anyway.
So we walked around, had fun trying on dresses and tops and talked about stuff.
Stuff that gave me a sense of trust that I could tell her everything. And I mean, everything.
She knows that I talked bad about her last time, when I was jealous over some guy.
She called me a bitch, but you know, the best thing about this friendship is that, I don't care about how fake she may seem- because she isn't anymore.
That phone call that night changed everything and I finally understood how she stood up for me when people said stuff about me.
It's trust. Also, when you forgive, you naturally forget. You naturally love your bestie back again.
Cara's prayer at church for me was sincere too, especially when we were sitting down and while praying for me, she put her hand on my thigh just to bless me.
I felt really warm when she did that, I thanked God for a friend like her.
So yeah, today was a day out with Cara and I cherished it.
Even if I was lazy to try on other clothes because the sundress has seriously gotten me twirled around its fingers.
So she got a gray (not purple Miss Chiang) camisole from Forever 21 and her black dress from M )phosis.
I got glitter hair bands from Forever 21.
Tomorrow it's the sundress.
And Lord, I'm really sorry from turning away from You.
This week I can't promise to look to You, but do promise me that You will be with me in everything I do.
Once again, teach me to love.
Gawd, maybe I haven't said this:
But all my friends don't like YOU, so don't be desperate as to put their names under YOUR FRIENDS in your blog.
"cara, charmaine"
Maybe I didn't accept your sorry, but who was the one who didn't accept MY sorry for 6 months?
So you can get angry with me and ignore me for 6 months.
You can call me shallow for digging up the past but I'm only doing this according to what you have demonstrated when we had fights too.
Oh I'm sorry, because you aren't my epitome of popularity.
So BE scared, STAY scared.
YOU called me a "fucking bitch" and god, I will NEVER forgive that.
You want evidence? I have it. You want to thrash me with your words? I'll take it all!
You can have my friends, you can pull her away when I'm talking to her, but you will never blind them to what they see in me.
And CARA's words aren't for you to use.
I heard you say them and I know you caught sight of me glaring at you.
I don't care how long you've been with me till you've been 'influenced by my language', or even my friend's.
Your current friend can take my place in the clique but nobody, NOBODY, will ever blind MY friends from what they see in me.
You know why? Because YOUR CURRENT FRIEND SAID SHE'D BE THERE FOR ME IF EVER I SHOULD FALL, AND SHE MOCKED ME IN THE ART ROOM FOR HARMONISING THE SONG "JENNY".
I hope you're happy with your friend.
I saw you look at me with the corner of my eye.
You mocked me with your eyes, you. Your tiny slits of fake eye colour.
Martin once told me "But you've got a good voice what."
That just goes to show that even YOUR FRIEND can't harmonise the song.
I rely on my friends and on The Most High.
What do YOU rely on?
Your friend?
Think.
AGAIN.
Not everybody has to DO something to you for YOU to 'disown' her or him.
Sometimes you have to see them this way, with your own eyes, not through theirs.
