Just around 20 minutes ago, I stepped out of the house after washing up.
And it was .. cold.
I had my arms wrapped around myself and eyes diverted to the heavens waiting for some mercy rain to fall.
But nothing happened.


Sometimes it's better to quieten down for awhile to think stuff through.
I remember Math class and Miss Ho was teaching a useless lesson.
I was frustrated and irritated because I let Chuan Yong get to me again.
Some of the guys in class are followers, they just chorus after the 'leader' to deceive themselves that they have audacity and popularity.
I observed and it was.. obvious of who are in that category.
So Chuan Yong called me 'oil tank' and scenes of murder flashed through my mind and I was throwing tantrums in my head.
Then I thought about humans.
Humans have their limits. And so do I.
I'm human.
People, in general- they have their limits. And so do I.
I'm a person.
But isn't it unfair that if someone can stand me, why can't I stand them?
And I was disappointed with the fact that I do get irritated easily.
Why can't I just have a little bit more of patience?
Why can't I just get out of this human nature and just be a.. a tree!?
Thank God I don't get reincarnated after I die. Being an animal will be even more retarded.
So I told Nicole that while changing from PE into my uniform.
And I told her that I felt there was no use for me to be living.
I live I live I live for what? His glory?
Why does God wanna be glorified through me?
Why of all things must God make me, or make PEOPLE or HUMANS even.
Why does he even want to make a WORLD or HEAVEN or HELL?
Isn't He just clogging up Heaven?
Why did He even allow Satan to come into His Garden of Eden?
Why can't He just SAVE THIS ENTIRE HUMAN NATURE SHIT AND "THE GLORY SHALL BE TO GOD FOREVERMORE, AMEN"?!

Tell me.
How does the logic of "free will/He loves me" apply to these questions?
If so, email me at L_cube_doozy@hotmail.com

I was thinking about .. What if I don't wanna be a Christian anymore?
I'm so effing tired of being back on track with Him and falling off.
Because when I fall off, my grades are affected, my entire personality is affected, and my limits are affected the most.
My Spirit gets weak, my flesh gets even more lustful and I start serving a wrong Jesus.
A Jesus that doesn't see me sinning.

I keep reminding myself:
Don't think about "why He made humans" or "why life's so tough because Adam ate the fruit blabla" but to just take how everything is.
Take it that He loves me. And that's enough.
Take it that He died on the cross for Your sins to that You made receive newness of life through Him who loves me.

HUH!?
Emotions - Logic = Faith.

Where is my faith.
Where where where. I'm falling and I can't do this alone.

On the other hand, my uncle died this morning.
I will never have the chance to say Hello to him when I walk past anymore.
I will never have the chance to make a floral arrangement for him anymore.
Never, never.
So when I was in the car, I didn't feel too sad.
But when I was standing in front of his picture at the wake, I could feel so much sadness and I cried so much.
I didn't give a damn to who was looking at me.
I just watched his photo through blurred vision.
Then after I showered at home, I looked into the mirror and thought:
"Imagine being at the scene when Christ died on Calvary."

If I could already feel the grief at my uncle's home, imagine walking the road of sorrows that Jesus carried His cross upon; imagine standing at the mountaintop of His crucifixion.

Lord, I may not know the reason of every single thing You do, but I know how much You gave up for me.

Just around 20 minutes ago, I stepped out of the house after washing up.
And it was .. cold.
I had my arms wrapped around myself and eyes diverted to the heavens waiting for some mercy rain to fall.
But nothing happened.


Sometimes it's better to quieten down for awhile to think stuff through.
I remember Math class and Miss Ho was teaching a useless lesson.
I was frustrated and irritated because I let Chuan Yong get to me again.
Some of the guys in class are followers, they just chorus after the 'leader' to deceive themselves that they have audacity and popularity.
I observed and it was.. obvious of who are in that category.
So Chuan Yong called me 'oil tank' and scenes of murder flashed through my mind and I was throwing tantrums in my head.
Then I thought about humans.
Humans have their limits. And so do I.
I'm human.
People, in general- they have their limits. And so do I.
I'm a person.
But isn't it unfair that if someone can stand me, why can't I stand them?
And I was disappointed with the fact that I do get irritated easily.
Why can't I just have a little bit more of patience?
Why can't I just get out of this human nature and just be a.. a tree!?
Thank God I don't get reincarnated after I die. Being an animal will be even more retarded.
So I told Nicole that while changing from PE into my uniform.
And I told her that I felt there was no use for me to be living.
I live I live I live for what? His glory?
Why does God wanna be glorified through me?
Why of all things must God make me, or make PEOPLE or HUMANS even.
Why does he even want to make a WORLD or HEAVEN or HELL?
Isn't He just clogging up Heaven?
Why did He even allow Satan to come into His Garden of Eden?
Why can't He just SAVE THIS ENTIRE HUMAN NATURE SHIT AND "THE GLORY SHALL BE TO GOD FOREVERMORE, AMEN"?!

Tell me.
How does the logic of "free will/He loves me" apply to these questions?
If so, email me at L_cube_doozy@hotmail.com

I was thinking about .. What if I don't wanna be a Christian anymore?
I'm so effing tired of being back on track with Him and falling off.
Because when I fall off, my grades are affected, my entire personality is affected, and my limits are affected the most.
My Spirit gets weak, my flesh gets even more lustful and I start serving a wrong Jesus.
A Jesus that doesn't see me sinning.

I keep reminding myself:
Don't think about "why He made humans" or "why life's so tough because Adam ate the fruit blabla" but to just take how everything is.
Take it that He loves me. And that's enough.
Take it that He died on the cross for Your sins to that You made receive newness of life through Him who loves me.

HUH!?
Emotions - Logic = Faith.

Where is my faith.
Where where where. I'm falling and I can't do this alone.

On the other hand, my uncle died this morning.
I will never have the chance to say Hello to him when I walk past anymore.
I will never have the chance to make a floral arrangement for him anymore.
Never, never.
So when I was in the car, I didn't feel too sad.
But when I was standing in front of his picture at the wake, I could feel so much sadness and I cried so much.
I didn't give a damn to who was looking at me.
I just watched his photo through blurred vision.
Then after I showered at home, I looked into the mirror and thought:
"Imagine being at the scene when Christ died on Calvary."

If I could already feel the grief at my uncle's home, imagine walking the road of sorrows that Jesus carried His cross upon; imagine standing at the mountaintop of His crucifixion.

Lord, I may not know the reason of every single thing You do, but I know how much You gave up for me.