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It's as if I'm looking at life in a whole new light.I miss the Queen Mary 2 and all its glamour.
I miss the breakfasts, breathing in Spanish air, having bus tours and buying lots of souvenirs.
And that sexy English guy I'd always look out for, Broadway musicals and lots of cute, middle-aged Americans/English people.
Gawd, I miss being overseas.
I miss Europe, baby.
Last night after dinner, I went to Ji Peh's house with Pa.
I greeted everybody, and my Aunt said I was "guai" to be there to see him.
But I didn't feel that way, because I had been reluctant to see him.
I hated myself for a minute, because I wouldn't even see my dying uncle willingly.
I didn't feel forced at first, but still, even a bit of reluctance makes me feel ashamed.
I remembered that an instructor who came to teach us stuff in school said, "As long as your presence is there, it's enough" when I had asked her about how to be there for my uncle.
So I went with that mindset and held Pa's hand, trying very hard not to sniff in his cigarette smoke.
I felt welcome at his house, as always.
I greeted everybody, everyone responded with satisfied smiles .. there wasn't sadness at all.
I walked up the stairs and noticed that our old staircase and theirs was similar.
"Yeah, everything's the same, that's right," Pa said.
So I met Ji Peh upstairs with my cousin.
The nurse was there too and what melted my heart was when my uncle saw me, his face brightened up so much, like I was the sun or something.
And it was true, about just being there.
I asked him frequent questions and I told him that I would make a floral arrangement for him to place in his room, and I'll keep to that promise.
I told him how I was doing in school and asked him what he ate. He said he ate fish.
I also saw the photos of his younger days hung up on the wall.
He was .. handsome, just like Pa.
Ji Peh was on a tube, and it was heartwarming to know that he knows who I am, because his medication makes his mind wander, that's what they say.
He told the nurse "This is my niece" in Chinese.
I asked him about his faith in Christ and my cousin told me, "He thinks it's the same. I told him it's not, we only believe in one God."
Now I start to wonder if Jesus will accept him in heaven. I really wonder. But I pray that I'll see him again, that he'll accept Christ wholeheartedly.
So when I looked into his tired eyes that were tearing, I told him, "Only believe," in Chinese.
I could feel that he was afraid, somehow, of losing the family that he had raised all along when I talked to him. I felt his fear.
My voice was shakey when I told him that and I knew God was with me.
So I said Goodnight and we went downstairs to talk.
I asked my cousins about America and again, a statement that sparked off thoughts came to mind.
"The world ends at America. Really?"
Big boobs, big ass, good sex, your phony love, your dirt, your lies, your vanity, your ignorance, your complacency, your idoltry, your fake Jesus.
Conspiracy.
The world ends at America. Doesn't it? Doesn't America define the world?
You got all the shit there, and it starts from them, but at the same time, the Passion of The Christ movement is so strong.
It represents the world, doesn't it? You've got both the good and the bad.
The world ends at America? Really?
Only if I replace the question mark with a fullstop.
The world ends at America. Really.
Because it's the greatest country, having the most powerful states, and the strongest military, the accumulated lies, the definition of hypocrisy.
Isn't it?
Isn't it?
And guess what.
I'm serving their lifestyle.
Almost everyday.
I'm serving the Kan-- Ye-- West Jesus who walks with no holiness.
I'm a superficial hypocrite.
God, save me.
From my own humanity.
Dear reader, will you take up your cross and follow Him?
