We are all the same, human in all our ways and all our pain.
I couldn't leave yesterday behind, so I told Nicole and Vanida all about jamming in the morning:)
Vanida and I exchanged funny notes during class, and it continued during POA lesson.
Chinese was hilarious, as usual, and I could at least be proud of myself because for once, I had done my homework.
Then we had assembly and things didn't go the way I expected them to be.
Once bitten, twice shy.
But I wasn't shy, I was twice as angry, because I had trusted that someone to keep her mouth shut and there she said his name so audible enough for the person sitting behind her to hear - a 3D guy.
I had second thoughts of telling her about my crush in hand-written form actually, because all the Ifs started popping up in my mind.
"But she's your friend. Maybe she won't diss you? Trust her again." -Liling's Conscience
And so I told you, whether you guessed it correctly or not.
When your friend tells you about her crush, you don't just say it out, do you?
Maybe it won't hurt to tell our other girlfriends about it, but who are you to say IT WON'T HURT?
Yeah so what if it doesn't HURT, it's like disrespect in a way?
You don't know how mad I was, and I don't care if I erupted in your face, because I didn't deserve to have my secret blurted out to any listening ear who caught his name, I didn't deserve the humiliation that could've killed me.
Maybe when you hear them teasing about that particular name, then you'll know the damage you've inflicted onto the situation.
Maybe when you see me putting my head on the table, pretending to be asleep as I try to shut myself off from their teasing and rumours, then will you know the HURT you stirred up.
I hurt you?
So yeah, go dig up the past once more and say I'm this and that.
Go on, say "that time Liling did this, that time Liling did that".
"Maid jeans.." Which you reminded me of the second time I wore it in front of you.
"Dog hair.." Which you aren't entitled to insult me with because you aren't my one and only best friend.
His name, "***** eh Liling.." Not thinking it was a touchy subject, you blurted it out.
Go dig all the glory that backs you up, go be justified because I never am anyway.
You breaking down because you assume so much doesn't mean I'm to be blamed.
"I don't wanna talk to Liling yet. Ltr she say me zz"
Oh, her phone isn't with me, I remember everything so clearly.
You don't deserve to be respected anyway. I've had enough.
You started it and I'm not going to end it for you.
Oh friend, you dismantle me.
Hah.you dismantle me..
NOT!
Mel and Shaun: Thanks for being there for me. Thanks for letting me hold onto you through tears that weren't worth being shed. Thanks for comforting me when I was weak and for changing the way I've thought about myself all along. Most of all, thanks for Tug-Of-War. Being dragged across the floor was the BOMB! HAHAHA the Alexandrian Assholes beat the Belvedere Bastards and Boobs! (whoops HAHAH)
Nicole: I remember our MSN conversation and I'm not gonna forget that advice. I'm keeping your SMS and note, until the day I'm fated to lose them. Thanks for tolerating complaints I've had about my whole existence, Math, during tests or even on normal days when I disturb you all of a sudden! But the best thing is, you understand. Even if I didn't think you did, you proved to me that you do know who I am, from the inside out, with the advice you gave - I'm not going to forget it, I'm not going to forget who I am. Because.. I only have 5 minutes to cry everyday. It's gonna get to zero soon! PS: You're incredible too.
Mel, when I told you about those factors I felt inferior about, I put out my fingers and counted them all. But you sat there on the wooden bench, looked at my fingers and pushed them back.
And you said, "No. That's only the exterior. You're so beautiful inside."
Dear reader, sometimes I throw myself away. But thank you, because you make me feel okay. And when I feel okay, everything feels better immediately again.
I take all my words back.
Because you just block me and leave me helpless? You know what.
I don't give a fuck.
Why hold back? You have the right to get angry, DON'T YOU?
(Like always.)
25.2.08
