Suddenly even home seems alien to me.I don't get hugs anymore. Because I'm undeserving of them, perhaps.
I don't get priority when I'm sick.
I'm not taken care of properly.
In fact, I'm pushed aside to fend for myself.
To fight this sickness alone, to wallow in my own self-pity.
Panadol is only what I've got.
But I know I'm wrong.
The last two days have been torture.
No cell party, no church friends.
No "churchie" ambience - I long for that so much.
Waking up in the middle of the night only to hold the crap and not letting it out in the toilet.
Squirming in bed making sounds. Clutching my stomach.
Forcing air out of my mouth, and every single breath tastes like I'm taking poison in.
Poison, that's right.
I feel nauseous yet I can't vomit.
Feels like food wants to escape my body through the mouth, but it's not coming out.
I drink lots of fluid, except milk, but my body keeps disposing of it the other way.
Everything I ate yesterday is only equivalent to one meal.
And the worst thing is, I don't dare to go to the doctor, for personal reasons.
Sometimes I'm mute with pain, and I let the tears fall off very silently while I stare into the darkness.
It leaves me thinking. About Heaven. About dying. About Jesus.
But somehow the best thing is, everytime I whisper, "Jesus," He's there.
Lying down beside me, putting His hands on my stomach.
Watched the Terry Fox Story on HBO with Angel and the Loh family at my place.
"He said, "You may have broken my body, but you haven't broken my Spirit."
And the Serpent fled."
Throughout the night He was there.
Embracing me, holding my face in His hands.
He was so close I could feel Him.
I just closed my eyes.
Today He didn't talk.
Today He hugged me.
I asked Him, "Am I weak?"
He didn't say anything, He just hugged me and kissed me once on the forehead and another time on the cheek.
Then He says, "I love You."
And then I breathe.
It hurts a little, but this pain will be over.
Somehow this sickness is here to strengthen my spirit and my faith.
Church is on Sunday.
I know You'll be here with me.
I know You'll be covering my eyes from bright lights that glare,
And You'll be going places which provide comfort for me, with me.
I know You're here holding my hand, holding me when the pain comes again.
I know, Jesus.
Jesus.
I know You.
Is it true today that when people pray
Cloudless skies will break; Kings and Queens will shake
Yes it's true and I believe it,
I'm living for you
Is it true today, that when people pray
We'll see dead men rise and the blind set free
Yes, it's true and I believe it
I'm living for you
"You know Ling ah, every night I pray you will change, that you will turn good."
And in both our hearts, we knew that God had worked a miracle in my life, that God is real.
That I stop shouting at her, that now she's staying for two more years.
Now I know the songs to sing for church camp.
- Hungry
- Here In My Life
- None But Jesus
- Where The Love Lasts Forever
- Still
"We run so fast and run so strong... but the only safe place to run is in the arms of God."
