I'm no longer sticky after the High Element course (which I whispered Jesus Jesus over and over again while hanging up there like an aimless monkey).
AND I'm all fresh and clean, after not having a shower from yesterday evening till 12 noon today.
So hey there! Camp's over! (Effing thankful for that)
I'm having a one-girl-party at home with a cup of apple juice, 1/4 of scrumptious NYDC cake and Tears Don't Fall by Bullet For My Valentine.
So we were all on the bus back to school.
Requested to sit alone, because I wanted to think.
Thought about God. Thought about the times I failed during camp. Thought about the times when I felt like the world didn't want me to be in it.
Loads of shiz running through my mind.
Listened to Mighty To Save.
Cried silently with tears falling off my face.
I asked God, "Why didn't You pour out Your favour on me? I've been asking You to do that for so long. Why why is everyone against me?"
Then it was like a sudden Ding! and I heard the Spirit, "You don't need the world's favour. You only need God's."
Yeah. And it was true.
I've been relying on the world.
To take me in, sometimes to make me feel whole.
That was what happened throughout camp.
Maybe that's why I felt like dirt, like I got pushed away.
Because it has always been me.
Me as the Leader, Me writing the best cheers, Me giving my all and no one's there to stop me.
But this camp, there was.
Someone who got unnecessarily high (when we all just wanted peace of mind to get through the day) at the most inappropriate times and attracted the instructors' attention.
Someone who laughed while putting her hands on the person next to her.
I was thinking: what if I were next to her? is she laughing with me? or for herself?
Guess what. I had to fight for my idea to be used in our campfire item.
AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT LOH LI LING WILL NEVER HAVE TO VIE FOR LEADERSHIP/HER REJECTED IDEAS.
Seems like someone's taking away my position now.
But I know what I thought of her was wrong, that I should encourage my sister-in-Christ to excel, blablabla.
Sigh. I feel shallow.
And God just told me: you don't stop being who you are.
I don't stop being the leader I've always been.
I could be a leader in other qualities anyway.
Like being in the background with Vanida and Nicole.
And we could be everybody's First Aid.
When they need us, we're there.
When they push us away, we won't retaliate.
When they hurt us, we'll forgive but remind them of how much it hurt.
To be forgotten, but to remember those whom others have forgotten.
And the last one that I want to succeed in: to let them know Christ and what He did for them on that beautiful, flawless cross.
That they're victorious in Him, and not in the world.
So I'll just have to get used to reality.
& reality is: Vanida, Nicole and Jesus are enough to see me through - for the entire year.
P/S: I think Shannon's really really hot. I wish I could take him home. HAHAH.Oh this sweet surrender.
