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23.12.07

"I'm not going for the wedding dinner or the party tomorrow night. Have fun being a hypocrite!"

my mum read that message i sent her. my dad burst into my room asking what's wrong with me in a pissed off way. that it's unusual of me to be wrong, to be imperfect. to have my own insecurities. to have my own anxiety. to cry. to get hurt. to avoid getting hurt. to be unable to face them as a christian.

BECAUSE IT'S SO HARD.

i don't wanna keep saying sorry. i just want it to stop so badly. that if i say sorry, my mum thinks that it's only right of me to say so. i'm tired of it all. i want her to apologise too. for being so sarcastic, for being so fake. for looking at my past wrongs. for just NOT REALISING THAT I'M IMPERFECT. and that i have my bad days too. like today. like now. as my breathing starts to get harder because i can't take it anymore, i'm crying so hard.

my body was sprawled out onto the floor. and i must say, it was my only comfort. my maid doesn't understand me. my dad's probably void of feelings. my mum's sarcastic. i want You, Lord. i want to hug Jesus so badly now. to just cry and cry. and to say F words of how screwed my life is. i want to call cara but she's in canada. i can't possibly call angel, i don't want her to get scared when she hears how much i'm crying now. i only have myself, tissue paper and the floor to hit my fist against as i lie face down.

why must things always backfire. why is it so hard just to live through christmas. why is it so hard to just not attend the family party and stay at home? they don't even treat me like family. i feel so weird around all of them. clara chiang stares at me like i'm unworthy of being in her family. chloe just smiles at me but she can't speak to me either. it's such a big gap between us all. i just appreciate the kids there. they're the nicest.

that's how we all grow up, i guess. when we grow up, we stop being friendly. we start noticing other people's faults. and i've become like that too. i don't hate my parents. i just.. want them to listen for once. i just want them to know me more. know my insecurities, or even about my addiction. or how God has been so real in my life. how loving i can actually be. the good side. not always the bad. because they've never seen me in church before. they've never seen who i can be. they just see liling, our little girl who will never grow up, who hates her family, who only cares about herself. but we still love her.

how could they ever love someone like me.

even their love fails sometimes.

i want them to know God so badly.

i want them to know i'm imperfect.

i want them to know my other side, my Jesus side.

but all this will cease.
and it will be over.
i need to talk things out.

and i don't want my dad to get up and leave the living room halfway for a cigarette.