When you need to use sticky tape on your glasses, you know they need to be mended asap.
So.. yeah.
I've been thinking about the choices for my subject combination next year.
I'm taking EL, CL, E Math, Physics/Chem, Literature, SS, Art and POA.
Being in a class with those choices leaves me with some regret, but I'll make the best out of everything.
I know, that's what I say when I feel like a complete failure.
But everyone has to pick themselves up sometimes.
Self-pity doesn't have health benefits, you know.
My Big Word cards have been reported to be missing.
I can't help but be angry, because I put in so much effort into doing them.
So if you're my neighbour, you'll be able to see me cutting paper, pasting paper, colouring in smiley faces while I stick on the alphabets to form the words "Teamwork" and "Expression" and
constantly dipping my paintbrush into a cup of water.
The car ride to The Learning Lab wasn't very nice either.
I was telling my Mum that the maid was being unreasonable.
Everyone needs a little help when they're rushing for time sometimes, right?
So I tell the maid to get this, and she gets that.
Then she walks away whispering "Stupid!" under her breath, just audible enough for me to hear.
Like as if it was MY FAULT when she heard me wrongly and returned with a bad job done.
The worst part is, she blames me for everything.
She probably blames me that she is 27 with no husband yet, and about the miserable life she has to lead when all this time, she has been shutting God out of her life.
On her off-days, she goes to Lucky Plaza when there are churches all around Singapore.
You see how a person can self-destruct?
I'll leave her be, with that stinking attitude of hers that she wants to continue having, she can go find a husband who will tolerate her for his entire lifetime!
So my Mum said that I was talking rubbish, that she refuses to listen to the complaints I have about the maid.
She asks, "So why isn't she like this around me?"
I was like, in shock.
"BECAUSE YOU'RE THE EMPLOYER WHO HAS HER AT YOUR BECK AND CALL, THAT'S WHY!"
Then my Mum starts saying really hurtful things when she drives the car past Orchard Road.
"When I'm with my friends, we talk nicely about interesting things and they don't use your kind of tone with me. You know, with them I feel so much better. With you, you complain about this and that. I don't feel any happiness with you at all."
I was mute with pain.
I hate it when my vision blurs, because then my Mum knows that she has won by making me cry. It's like she embraces the moment when she sees her own daughter drowning in her own tears or something.
I wanted to just get off the car and take a taxi home without having to withstand the tension between us both.
OH MY SHIT LA, her friends are probably plotting to kick her out of their dance group or clique or the Aunties Club and all.
Little does she know how much she has hurt me, how much I regretted trying to be a good daughter all this while, that I'll always try to be there for her when things go wrong in her life.
People turn their backs on you when bad things happen.
They don't remember the good times they had with you.
I tell you, reader, when my Mum dies, it's the memories I have left.
The words she said to me really got me hating her like nuts.
I felt accused, and that my character has turned out to be way below her expectations.
Then I thought about God.
So this was my train of thoughts TO the devil and FROM the devil while I was walking up to class:
"I won't believe in your lies, I won't believe in your lies .."
"FUCKING BITCH. SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME; SHE DOESN'T EVEN WHO HER DAUGHTER IS! SHE HAS BEEN COMPARING ME TO OTHER PEOPLE ALL MY LIFE, FUCKING BITCH. SHE THINKS I'M THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SHE'S MY MOTHER. FUCKKKKKK!"
"I won't believe in your lies, I won't believe in your lies .."
That was what I was whispering to myself until I got to the toilet on the 4th level of United Square.
I told myself not to cry and that I still had to face a class of 15 students who will stare at my bloodshot eyes.
I wish my Mum would stop hurting me like this.
She makes it seem as if my world will be crumbling down any minute.
My parents are my life, and when they're gone, I'm glad I've got God.
God felt my hurt and He promised me one more thing:
Christ's love is enough to last me for a lifetime.
That thought marked the end of the hatred I had.
I enjoyed my Learning Lab class.
Jun Hao commented on my accent, that it was nice when I was presenting my speech with Debby about having a cafe at school.
Sarcastic asshole, that one.
I laughed it off anyway, I'm proud of my accent, that I can use it whenever I want to :)
And I think I've found a friend in Debby, too.
My Mum bought Tako Pachi for me at Bishan.
I didn't want to accept it, but I guess I've forgiven her.
I may forgive, but I'll never forget the way she made me feel.
Deep down she still loves me.
But with much apathy, you can hurt the person who has been regarding you as her guardian angel all the while.
I hope she remembers that I'm still the only one who will be crying at her deathbed.
I hate saying these things about my Mum, but if I keep it in for too long, I might just cut up all the pictures I have with her.
Why the hell do I have to feel so much?
I do love her. But why does she have to make me feel like this sometimes?
There's just one more thought that popped up in my mind today.
Voicing out the words "I'm imperfect" to the world doesn't mean that the reciprocation you get will be perfect too.
Because after all, no one is perfect.
If they were, they'd be God.
"I still won't believe in your lies, Satan, I won't believe in your lies .."
bye.
24.10.07
