So now yknow, there's no more surprises.

I wish I was just part of the audience today.
Then having control of my emotions would have been much easier.
I had a need to be justified.
That is what I've been feeling for the past few days, and the urge is getting stronger by the minute.
I need to be justified.

I feel tired.
I feel tired of having to disappoint others, tired of being accused, tired of being misunderstood.
I feel tired of being stupid, even.
Someone help me get out of this ME, this girl, this personality, this Li Ling.
Just for a little while, please.
I told God that in the bathroom and put my head against the cold, marble wall and let those hot tears trickle down my face.
I felt relieved, I guess.
Kinda gave most of life's shit away to Him.
School was like a living hell for me.
Sure, you've got your friends who say "Hey, it's okay", but it's not.
But I still appreciate what they did for me, they let me hug them.
Someone to hold onto, yeah.
I embarrassed myself in front of an entire school.
MY entire school.
What was I thinking?!
I kept saying sorry to God.
I don't know why. And to the Club too.
Everyone said I did well, but no.
When adults start making sense, it's a definite no.
Adults like Mr Jansen Yuen and Miss Marilyn Lim.
So in the end,I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping when 2nd prize went to the Girl Guides.
They had lesser stickers than we did!
You see? I need to be justified again. THIS FEELING SUCKS.
Dear God, I hate myself.
I can't forgive myself. I can't.
Then it finally dawned on me that it was the last day of school.
I had embarrassed myself.
And there will no longer be anymore Nicole or Michelle or Shaun next year.
I held Nicole and hugged her like I've never done before.
It was as if I was remembering her for the last time,
This time with my tears on her uniform.
"LILINGGGG! DON'T CRYYYY! LILINGGGG.."
Michelle and Nicole, hahaha.
Holding Nicole while crying my frustration and hurt out was like telling her Thank You in a silent way.
I felt as if I wanted her to know how I was feeling for the entire day,
About the whole Drama play and how much I wanted her to know that she has been a really great friend who has stuck by me all this while.
She's such a great listener, and she ensures me that the both of us shall overcome the situation TOGETHER.
I hugged Michelle really tightly too; it's hard letting go of those two.
Then I hugged Yuying and Mdm Zhang.
No more holding Nicole's and Michelle's hands in the morning,
No more laughing over silly jokes or when someone farts during assembly,
No more.
But then again, like I quoted from The 5 People You Meet In Heaven:
When other senses weaken, another heightens.
Memory :)
Sure, it brings tears to my eyes, but I'll cherish those memories for as long as I live.
Promise me, guys, just promise me, that on the first day of school next year, we'll be sitting at the same round table for recess.
I've got Vanida with me in 3D, and even if she leaves, I'll be fine I guess.
I'll hug her and cry like crazy while chatting with her on MSN (if she leaves for a better class).
She's gonna be the one I cannot let go of.
But right now it's Nicole, and I can't stop crying again.
These 3 days have been so tiring, everything's so sudden.
It's just so hard letting go.
I love you guys, yes I do :)
Then I was struggling to push my tears back into their ducts again when I thought about Shaun.
I was sitting with them at our usual round table after eating lunch saying, "I miss Shaunnnnn."
Crazy. I know.
I'm gonna hug him the very minute I see him at the class condo party.
I swear!

Mr Lau's leaving the school too.
He was probably the best principal I can ever have.
'Do the right things even when no one is watching."
Amen to that!
Shaking his hand while receiving the Floral Arrangement Award onstage was an honor.
I need to pack my suitcase for tomorrow, mostly winter clothes and T-shirts.
Got my glasses fixed and bought a pair of dark-coloured jeans for $33.
I'll be leaving the house at 6 AM tomorrow.
Going to Japan will mark the end of so many emotions.
Like frustration. And anger. And remorse. And maybe apathy.
I don't want to be Li Ling in Japan.
I'll be someone else, maybe Kylie Loh.
Then Kylie Loh can have a whole new personality, and Loh Li Ling can have a fresh new start.
Oh my screwzxzxz,
Get me away from reality as fast as You can, Jesus.

Japan:
winter clothes + new jeans.
grey jacket/brown blazer.
brown eyeliner.
makeup/accessories.
dark purple painted nails.
my favourite earring.
Bible.
coloured markers + my big, big diary.
sweets.
glasses.
my cool schoolbag :D
Liling and Kylie.

.. yeah.