We all cry in the shower sometimes, don't we?
Especially on a bad day when people hurt us.
I promise I won't even forgive that fucked up teacher.
Shaun and Mrs Gan got me pissed with their pride and big mouths,
Chuan Yong said "oil ball" which was obviously referring to me,
And then 2 words which made me break down during PE Theory class.
Those very two words came from my PE teacher's mouth.
I screeched my chair on purpose because of what Chuan Yong said.
Guess what words Mr Harrie that son of a gun reprimanded me with.
"Can you stop it anot?
That means you have a Big Ass."
Well what could I say or do!
I just put my head silently down on the table and felt hot tears rush down.
"Good morning Liling." says the asshole as he knocks his fist on my table.
"She's not sleeping." says Vanida.
Then the lesson went on.
I'm thankful to have had Vanida say that for me.
In a way she stood up for me and spoke up about the emotions that I felt.
All that hurt from those two words.
She didn't care about what the other classmates thought of her or me, she was being a best friend who was my defense when I didn't dare lift my head up from the desk.
I'm sure the bloody teacher must have been at a loss, and he was going to shit in his pants any moment.
Trust me, reader, I cannot choose the moods to fake when I want.
So it's all about me being fat.
I hate facts, and worse still, I hate myself for being this size.
Hey I want guys to chase me too.
I want to have nice clothes with the letter M on the size tag.
I want to have slender legs and be able to wear FBTs without guys screaming Fat Pig Trotters! in my face.
I want someone to notice my slim figure, then my personality which has been long awaited for.
I want to have a weight that won't embarrass me everytime they record it down at school.
But maybe it's good this way, my Mr. Right will be harder to find.
And I know that God has someone of topnotch calibre to be my boyfriend/husband/life partner.
I just got off the phone with the school counsellor.
She made me smile, and I'm going to see her for a face to face talk on Friday during recess.
I guess what she said is true, God made us all differently.
He is a good God, and He knows me too well to stay angry for long.
I know He saw the tears I cried in the bathroom.
I remember glaring into the mirror with watery red eyes and a flushed face.
Right now I may still look hurt,
But everything's better now.
I hope to have more bad days than good days.
Because in a series of good ones, bad days seem to hit us harder than usual.
Christina Aguileira once sang:
"I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
Words can't bring me down."
19.9.07
i need a knife.
