I don't really know what's wrong with my Mum.
She blows hot and cold as and when she likes it.
It's frustrating.
I try to be someone for her, at least.
But sometimes she doesn't appreciate it.
I'm human, I have feelings too.
She thinks she can vent her frustrations on me.
But I guess sometimes I do too, and now I know how she feels.
I'm sorry, Mum.
And you must know that I love you.
Don't neglect me in front of other relatives, don't.
It's hurting.
And don't reject me when I do little acts which I want to express my affection towards you.
It hurts too.
Why can't you just be normal.
And show everyone how much you love me.
Why should our relatives be any different.
They're human. We're all the same.
I'm not used to this.
I don't have an identity as a good daughter.
I feel as if I've failed your entire world- and I know I have not.
I think you just don't want to be mushy.
But you are.
And why should you let their presence stop you from being who you are.
I'm so hurt right now.
But you're out with them at Plaza Singapura, and I'm just sitting here waiting for my teacher to come.
You won't be able to see my tears.
How I wish I had courage to tell you how I feel.
How I wish.
I exist in front of them.
So why reject me?
I don't like these games.
You may not notice them, but at least notice it when I give you a face.
Then maybe you'll probe and ask me more.
Then maybe I could tell you.
I want to tell you.
But these past two days have been so packed.
I know you're busy entertaining our guests.
But you're still forever my MUM.
So won't you just take a break and listen for once?
I was just thinking,
Why do I need my Mum's love so badly until I sound like a child who's whining?
All because when she's gone, I can't really feel it anymore.
I'm trying to cherish every single moment when I'm with her; both my parents are old.
It sounds ridiculous I know, but still, what's there to lose.
16.9.07
